*** I started this blog by writing out my birth story, but that will have to take a back seat for a bit***
Seriously, I"m thinking of starting a campaign on YouTube a la Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" for LGBTQ kids. I have had a struggle with the transition into motherhood and being a stay at home/work at home mom. The day I found out I was pregnant was two days after I found out I failed the bar exam, fresh out of law school and working for a non-profit under a kick ass fellowship. I was scared out of my mind. To make matters more difficult, during law school I lost my father unexpectedly at 53, just five months after my husband unexpectedly lost his mother. While I was pregnant my dear grandmother (whom I had a very close bond with) became ill for months and died while I was 5 months pregnant. A couple months later I was put on bed rest and gained a lot of weight (to add to my law school weight ).
Since having my little girl (21 hours of natural-what-the-hell-was-I-thinking labor) I have had to figure out how to make money doing legal work at home. It has been a terrible struggle. It didn't help that she got her first two sets of teeth in four at a time. My little girl is a joy, just a doll, in general not fussy but she is really the world's worst sleeper. Then at about 12 months it seemed she started sleeping in big chunks, not relying on nursing as much and I was so excited to start enjoying life and her more, to get my own life and independence back a little and to concentrate on making money (and giving my mind more thought provoking tasks to do).
Then at about 13 and a half months she began getting more teeth, one by one, for six weeks straight to make ten additional teeth all together. In short, it was a little slice of hell. For the first three weeks I was really proud of myself, how patient I was with my little potato, how attentive and empathetic to her pain I was being. But somewhere after the third or fourth week, when she woke up crying at 2 am, 4am and 6am I would fight back tears myself. Of course I was still very good, attentive and empathetic, but I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel. It has been a month or so of just back in survival mode, the way I was for the first six months or so when she was born. I was just getting by, barely keeping the house in order and keeping up with her, all while not sleeping and paying little attention to my adorable and very patient puppy (don't worry - my husband took over his care and he still got his two walks a day and some play time but he is a high maintenance thing so he her being fussy and not sleeping was wearing the poor thing down too). As you nursing moms know, its harder to share this burden when all the babe wants is mom as a pacifier. Not to mention, since my husband is the primary earner, I wanted him to get his sleep and make sure he didn't slip up at work. I remembered, when I started feeling like a weak loser, reading in a baby book somewhere that parents shouldn't feel like failures for being so exhausted and that lack of sleep is used as a method of torture.
I don't have a lot of help with her, even though I do have a large and wonderful extended family, my aunts and cousins have their own grand-kids, nieces and nephews to help with. My own mother works and is unable to help much and my four brothers are iffy about sitting for my girl since she is so young and they are inexperienced, also my husband's family lives out of state.
So here I have been the last six weeks, fighting the feeling that this will never end and life will never get easier, struggling to get us out of the house even for an hour for a change in scenery, struggling even just to do the normal fun learning stuff we do (like books, games, music, flash cards etc.). The last two weeks I have been pushing myself, getting back in touch with my spirituality and connection to God, making sure to take her out every day to get some sun, making sure to do some fun learning stuff even if that means the house stays a mess - I was really trying to just live with what I thought it had to be like.
But then, last weekend she slept from 11:30p-8am two nights in a row, I couldn't believe it! I was so very excited at the possibility that things could, in fact, get better. Then we had two nights in a row where she would get up at about 4am and not get back to sleep at all. I was a bit nervous, though frankly it was still better than before. And I reminded myself, two steps forward one step back is the way it always is with almost any kind of progress.
Last night she slept from 11:30pm - 8am again. I am very optimistic! We had such a lovely day, we played indoors, had breakfast, played outside, walked to the library (where she had a ball!) came home, fed her lunch and she went right to sleep nursing. I expect her to sleep from 4p-6p (as per her old schedule), it seems we are definitely back to one nap a day but that is just fine!
And now, I am writing a post on a blog I started when I thought things were better but have not gotten back to in over a month, i.e. I have free time! Me time! I'm going to go and make a wonderful dinner that should suffice as lunch tomorrow for the whole family and I should be able to get some work done while I am doing that and she naps. YIPPIE! They told me, be patient, it will get better, it will get easier. I didn't believe them, though in fairness I am the type of person who gets a cold and swears I can't remember what it is like to be well and just know I never will be again. But truly, with her my patience has really grown and still I was convinced life was just going to have to be brutal from here on in. And, I thought, if that is what I have to do for my little angel, than I guess that is what I have to do, I will just make sure not to have another and I will deal with it. But they were right, it is getting better, the prospect of this new schedule is thrilling!
If you are struggling with sleep regression (oh yeah, we went through that as well these last six weeks), teething, a crabby not sleeping colicky baby, or whatever else, I just want to echo what you have already been told but more likely from a place closer to where you are right now - it gets better, it really truly does!
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